Fluff

Howdy ho! I’m back with a quick review of Pixar’s newest movie, Cars.

First a little history…I’m a big fan of Pixar’s work to date. I thought that Toy Story 1 & 2, Monster’s Inc., A Bugs Life, Finding Nemo and The Incredibles were all brilliant in various ways. But my favorite so far has to be Finding Nemo with my least favorite being A Bugs Life…actually scratch that. Cars is my least favorite so far.

Now, don’t get me wrong, Cars is still a damn good flick. Even the weakest Pixar movie outshines 90% of the crap Hollywood pukes out on the American public year after year. It’s just not as strong as Pixar’s other stuff.

The main thing that bothered me was the story. If you’ve seen Doc Hollywood with Michael J. Fox then you already know the entire plot for Cars…but unlike Doc Hollywood, Julie Warner’s breasts are nowhere to be seen.

Now, I liked Doc Hollywood the first time I saw it. It was disposable but cute…did I mention Julie Warner’s breasts were on full display? But what bothered me about Cars was that a creative powerhouse like Pixar couldn’t come up with a better story then that on their own…they decided to remake it with animated cars and no boobies.

As for the cars and their world, it’s beautifully realized on screen. The animation, as one might expect, was outstanding. It never ceases to amaze me how much life and personality Pixar is able to give their characters. I don’t dig Owen Wilson and have a hatred for Larry the Cable Guy bordering on unhealthy obsession, but they both did ok. Owen Wilson was funny at times as “Lightning McQueen”, the hotshot rookie trying to make history and win the Piston Cup in his first full season, and Larry was tolerable as “Mater” the tow truck…that’s right, Larry’s character is named “Tow Mater”. Yeah, I didn’t laugh either.

You know, to tell you the truth, as long as I don’t have to stare at Owen’s “nose” for 2 hours I’m a lot better off, so the animated Owen as “Lightning McQueen” was perfectly fine for me. Owen’s a self-important ass and so is “Lightning” so it wasn’t exactly a stretch to play that part and I didn’t want to strangle Larry the Cable Guy with his own intestines mainly because Larry’s a redneck dumbass and he played a redneck dumbass in the movie too. By the way, a word of warning…anyone I hear utter the words “I can’t believe Larry the Cable Guy can really act” is getting punched in their fucking kidneys until they piss blood. I shit you not…try me monkey boy and see what you get.

Like most of the other Pixar films, the supporting characters were cool as hell. Bonnie Hunt is adorable in real life and has a charm that comes through like magic as Owen’s Porchse love interest. George Carlin as the hippie VW bus was awesome casting as well and Cheech Marin as the tricked out lowrider was classic too. But the man who steals the movie for me is Paul Newman as the Fabulous Hudson Hornet. Some people just have “it”, a magnetism that draws you in and makes you like them regardless of what they’re in or what kind of person they are onscreen. Paul Newman is one of those people. Newman is so awesome that I found myself caring more for him then any other character in the movie. I actually got a little choked up at one point because of my feelings towards Newman’s character. I actually hope the sequel is all about “Doc, the Fabulous Hudson Hornet” although my good sense and the Disney track record of spewing out direct to DVD sequel abominations is totally against me on that.

But the flick’s absolute saving grace was, for me, the subtle and respectful nods to the world of NASCAR. I’m a big NASCAR fan so I loved all the little references scattered throughout the movie. The Piston Cup is, of course, the Nextel/Winston Cup. The first race track you see at the beginning of the movie is a mirror image of Bristol Motor Speedway. The top man in the sport is “The King”, a 1971 Plymouth Superbird voiced by the real King, Richard Petty. It would’ve been easy for Pixar to name and design the character of “The King” after Petty and then bring in another actor to do the voice, but they stuck with the real King instead. “The King’s Wife” is played by…the King’s wife, Lynda Petty. Lowes Motor Speedway track promoter H.A. “Humpy” Wheeler voices the head of “Dinoco” which is of course a nod to Richard Petty’s real life sponsor, STP. Simply awesome. Other drivers like Mario Andretti, Dale Earnhardt Jr. and Formula One master Michael Schumacher also made cameo appearances. So in that respect at least, PIxar got it right.

But even with all the respect thrown to NASCAR by Pixar I still can’t get over the rehashed storyline. Cars will make a ton of money, there’s no doubt about that. But it could’ve been so much more and it could’ve been so much better.

The bottom line is this, if you and your kids enjoyed any (or all) of the other Pixar movies then this one will be no different. Your kids will eat it up with a spoon and adults will find enough humor and sly references to keep them entertained as well.

Cars is hands down the best movie I’ve seen so far this summer…you could definitely do worse in picking a movie to see this weekend.

***Minor Spoilers Ahead***

Ok, so I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news.

First the good news…if you have never seen either of the other X-Men movies, have no knowledge of the stories themselves, and don’t care about the characters so famously created by Dave Cockrum, Chris Claremont or John Byrne , then you’re gonna have an alright time. It’s a pretty standard action movie…thankfully Chris Tucker free, which is always a big fucking plus in my book.

However…

If you’re a big fan of not only the first 2 movies, but the stories themselves and are an avid fan of the universe created by men like Cockrum, Claremont and Byrne then the warm fluid you feel splashing on your face is Brett Ratner and Fox pissing on you from the screen. Enjoy!

Admittedly, I am a comic fan…more to the point an X-Men fan from WAY back. As such it’s simply impossible for me to view this movie as anything but a gigantic fumble…a spectacular case of wasted potential. Since this is my review and this movie is masquerading as an “X-Men” movie then I simply cannot separate it from the comics. When viewed in relation to the comic canon the movie just does not work.

I found it funny that creator Stan Lee and writer Chris Claremont would be so prominently given cameos at the beginning of the movie…especially when taking the complete lack of respect given to their work into account. I mean, why make a movie of the Dark Phoenix Saga if you’re not going to follow the fucking story? I knew things were going to be left out, I knew things couldn’t be done exactly as written “back in the day.” I was ok with that. Superheroes don’t speak to us from their circumstances…we relate to the soul of the characters.

The first X-Men movie worked because Bryan Singer studied what made Wolverine, Magneto, Xavier and all the rest tick…what made them resonate through the ages. He found what made them the characters loved by millions and expanded on it. He changed things…but he didn’t change THEM.

Ratner’s crew took Singer’s accomplishments and instead of building on them, demolished them, set them on fire and then shit on the ashes.

The characters make choices they would never, ever make. They behave in ways they would absolutely never behave. Things are changed that are absolutely key to not only the story but the pantheon as a whole. This is totally unforgiveable.

Ratner assumes that the 3 biggest stars, Halle Berry, Hugh Jackman and Sir Ian McKellan just have to have all the screen time. This single disastrous decision is the downfall of the entire film. When these 3 characters are elevated to the forefront it totally destroys what should be the focus of the film…Scott Summers (Cyclops), Professor Xavier and Jean Grey (Phoenix).

The sadness, angst, majesty and emotional heart of the story lies in the “father” Xavier, the “lover” Cyclops and the “wayward child” Phoenix and how they navigate the most trying eposide of their entire lives. Phoenix is free for the first time, a rebellous child experiencing all the things denied her by the man she considered to be her second father. Xavier is faced with the implications of his actions and the realization that he’s responsible for the dire events befalling the entire planet and Cyclops is forced to accept his mentor’s actions, the terrible consequences of those actions and ultimately the growing belief that he just might have to kill the woman he loves in order to save her, and everyone else, from the madness that has claimed her.

With these 3 characters relegated to the background the soul of the story is totally sucked out, what’s left is hollow and unsatisfying.

Professor Xavier is given about 30 minutes of screen time, Cyclops about only 5 to 10 minutes…and Jean ends up as nothing more then one of Magneto’s goon squad. These characters, Cyclops in particular deserved so much more. This was their story after all…and it was totally subverted just to give screen time to others.

Wolverine, Storm and Magneto (who were never meant to carry the emotional weight of this story) are pushed to the forefront and simply cannot save the film. No matter what these 3 characters do this is simply not their story to tell.

But the bad decisions don’t stop there…the supporting cast is just as misplaced and under-done, as are the circumstances surrounding them.

Juggernaut is laughably bad…just nothing else to say there. We’re told what his power is and then later in the movie we see him do something that he absolutely should not be able to do. Once he’s moving then no force on Earth can stop him, so how does he manage to bust of out containment when he’s immobilized at the end of the film? If he can’t move then he’s completely neutralized…right? Well apparently not.

Rogue’s actions are absolutely inexcusable and totally contrary to how she of all people would conduct themselves. She’s a fucking X-Man, picked and trained to be the vanguard of Xavier’s dream. To see her make the choice she does is a travesty.

It’s not all bad though…Ratner does get a few small things right. Too bad there’s not enough of them to save the clusterfuck the film ends up becoming.

Beast works a lot better then I ever thought he would. Kelsey Grammer does a damn good job of bring Hank McCoy to life and also brings out the best in our favorite blue haired X-Man.

Angel is beautfully realized, for the 5 or 6 minutes he’s on screen that is. But the sight of Angel flying over the San Francisco harbor gave me chills.

Magneto continues to own every scene given to him…Sir Ian is “magnetic” every time we see him on screen.

Hugh Jackman is perfectly cast as Wolverine…and as my wife was fond of pointing out appears to be quite fetching in black leather.

Kitty Pryde and Iceman are quite nice as well…Kitty’s always been a favorite of mine mainly due to the completely defensive nature of her powers. Kitty’s power isn’t offensive like the rest…intangibility doesn’t make her a powerhouse of destruction. But she finds way to use her power as defensive and then make it work in an offensive situation.

From a fan’s perspective the movie couldn’t be any worse…I’m actually sorry I paid money to see it. When viewing the film as simply a movie without ties to a larger universe and character base it’s merely a standard summer blockbuster…nothing special and something we’ve seen the likes of countless times before.

If you decide to see the flick and enjoy it then good for you…but remember, it’s could’ve been so much fucking better.

If you’d like to experience the true Dark Phoenix Saga then I’d suggest picking up Essential X-Men Vol. 2 for $15 (just about the price of a movie ticket nowadays)…and see this movie as the colossal failure it really is.

Also, if you’d like to see the way a superhero movie should be done I’d highly recommend checking out Superman on June 30th. Bryan Singer has showed us twice before that he understands the genre, the fanbase and more importantly the motivations and heart of the characters themselves.

But, if you’re looking for the X-Men then this flick is just not for you. I wish I had better news for ya but life sucks…and so does X-Men: The Last Stand.